Editors Note April 2, 2017 – This was of course an April Fools’ Joke.
In an exclusive to the Florida Squeeze, Florida Democratic Party Chair Stephen Bittel says he is a dyed-in-the-wool “Bernie Bro,” and has his sights set on bringing the most-popular-politician-in-America on board as this year’s Florida Blue keynote speaker.
“You know, the whole time Debbie Wassserman-Schultz and Donna Brazile were rigging the primary for Hillary, I was thinking to myself, ‘This isn’t our party—we’re not the guys who fix delegates, appeal to authority, and marginalize working people. We stand for things, right?”
Acknowledging that some in the party will bristle at bringing the fiery Democratic Socialist to speak at Florida Democrats’ most elite event, Bittel countered that it was time to get back to ‘liberal values.’ “Since when do ‘Democrats’ poo-poo universal healthcare, or grumble about a higher minimum wage? I mean, that whole, ‘you can’t win elections on liberal values’ thing died with Bill Clinton and the dot-com bubble, right?”
When asked if he regrets any of the Party’s tactics during the campaign, Bittel admitted that groupthink got the better of him. “Everyone on the cocktail circuit said Bernie was a joke. I remember when it looked like [Washington Post columnist] Jonathan Capehart was going to get away with all those goofy lies about him not really being at those civil rights marches, and implying Bill and Hillary were at lunch counter sit-ins. Everyone thought this would be the end of him, but even the Washington Post is going to get fact-checked eventually. I was so swept up in the moment that I even played along when Joy-Ann Reid lost her damn mind on Twitter raving about Sanders and the Greens being ‘Soviets,’ as if that was a thing.”
“I’m just glad to be out of the closet on this, so to speak. Bernie was right, he’s still right, and he would have won against Trump. We knew it then, but were all scared to admit it. Giant bags of donor money are hard to turn down—trust me, I gave out a lot of them. But we can’t go on pretending that we can ignore people not being able to afford healthcare or college in the richest nation on Earth.”
“I’m going to go call Bernie now, beg his forgiveness, and suggest we re-name Florida Blue the ‘Roosevelt Day Dinner,’ after the most popular Democrat in history, FDR.”
“This year our most high profile event will feature an all-you-can-eat crow buffet. I’ll be having an extra-large platter of crow, and grab a doggie bag for Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.”
“There’s still time to make things right, and April 1 feels like the right time to do it!”